Founded Concerns vs Unfounded Fears
It might be tempting to search through your partner’s phone or other devices, but it can ruin a good relationship. No one wants to feel like they are being watched. And an honest person wants to be and deserves to be trusted.
That said, there are times when searching (secretly) through their phone, devices, or social media is completely warranted. And no, you shouldn’t tell them first or ask them! That only gives them time to hide the evidence.
So, where is that fine line?
I would say, the line isn’t very fine at all. Either you have a founded concern – founded in fact, or you are just worried. We all get insecure from time to time, don’t let it ruin a good thing!
Founded concerns are based on facts, not feelings.
The First Time I Tracked Someone
In my second marriage I spent the last three years feeling suspicious and unhappy. I didn’t go look through his phone or computer though. I wanted things to work, and I knew that would be a breach of his privacy.
However, one day a woman contacted me on FaceBook and told me (and had proof) that my husband had asked her for nude pictures of herself in a conversation they had had the night before when I was sleeping peacefully in our bed. (Puke.)
And instantly my fears went to real concerns, founded in fact. It threw the door wide open to me – because I knew what I wanted and deserved. I was in a marriage, I had taken vows. Those vows were very clear, and we had both agreed to be loyal to each other “until death do us part.” So, I had every right to know the truth – if he was upholding his end of the deal.
I asked the woman not to tell him, and I didn’t tell him or ask him.
I used a key logger on his computer, and a GPS tracker in his car.
They key logger took about 1 minute to install using a USB stick and in the simple instructions that came with it. He complained that his battery was running out faster than normal, but other than that there was no way for him to know there was a key logger collecting every stroke of the computer, and also taking screen shots when certain key words were typed such as “penis” etc (you get the idea).
The GPS unit I bought only collected data to be retrieved later (this was in 2012) and was about the size of a stick of gum. I charged the battery and slipped it under the passenger side floor mat.
The Second Time I Tracked and Collected Surveillance on Someone
Husband number 3 – after 2 short weeks of bliss I started finding out who this person really was, and it was not pretty. He did not have Twitter when we were engaged. A week or so before we were married we talked about it and I agreed that Twitter was fine as long as we shared passwords. He agreed and everything seemed fine. I was suspicious because of my previous failed marriages and betrayals but I refrained from checking on him.
Until one night I over heard something he said to a friend at a party. It was about college girls on Twitter. BAM! My unfounded fears were founded in fact and the door to make sure my husband was being faithful to me swung wide open.
I logged in to his Twitter account the next day and sure enough, college age girls – scantily clad and flirting like the world was on fire. (He was 35 at the time – EW.)
After that I tracked his cell phone using a third party service and his Apple ID login that he had given me months before.
I could see all of his texts, and social media conversations.
Let’s just say our marriage only lasted a grand total of 5 months start to finish because the lies just kept coming.
See, the above phone tracking works like a charm – until they go out and buy themselves a brand new secret phone and just do all their dirty deeds on that phone. (But then he left that phone charging on our bed and I came home and found it along with more lies etc.) He was a real charmer!
It always starts with suspicion. Something in us can tell that something is off with our partners. Our subconscious can pick up on the subtle clues and we start to feel uneasy. But we really don’t know for sure if we are just being insecure until something happens, or we find out a little bit of the truth.
My strong suggestion is that you wait to track someone or investigate them until you have that foundation to work from. But for God’s sake don’t bring it up before you have a chance to do your surveillance work!
Yours in Truth,
Rowan