When I found out my ex-husband was cheating on me, and also continuing to do things behind my back and lie to me, I found myself acting in ways I never had before.
I was suspicious, I was vindictive, I was stressed out and filled with anxiety. I was having nightmares, and I started having panic attacks. I was lashing out too, because I felt backed against a wall of destruction. I felt my life story as I knew it was at stake. I had just been married. It all happened within 5 months. And I was in disbelief. I was in shock. I was not married to the man I thought I was, the man I had been with for 3 years.
So much happened so fast that I had a lot of stress and anxiety side-effects that I was unfamiliar with. PTSD, Panic attacks, complete and utter preoccupation with what he was up to, and a constant low lying anxiety that would prevent me from eating, caring for my home, and taking care of things as I normally had always been able to do. Always wondering what I was going to find out next.
The lashing out was the biggest difference. Previously I had been married for 8.5 years to the father of my children. When I left him it was sudden and tragic. But I didn’t have the disabled-ness that I have experienced with this last divorce/breakup. I didn’t lash out. I went inward and healed and I felt relief. I didn’t need therapy, I was sad but not depressed, I was sad but not disabled. I was sad but I knew life would go on. This last one – this was different. This was a complete shock. It shook me to my core.
This was a man who brought my family back to the church. Who encouraged us to pray as a family and had really good suggestions for what to do with the upbringing of my kids. Everyone loved him. And no one, including me, knew him. The massive betrayals, lack of any trying at all, and total destruction of our entire relationship that started 2 weeks in to our relationship, and ended just 5 months later with no progress made and only more lies was a total shock to all of us. This was disabling. This was more destruction than I thought I would ever deal with. I was unprepared – I was in a place of bliss and love when it all started to burn to the ground. I couldn’t get my head around it and it overcame me like nothing before.
When I read this quote by r. h. Sin I related to it on such a deep level. It spoke to my soul.
“And She Was Made to Appear Crazy by the Man Who Drove Her There”
I had acted crazy. I had sent destructive and angry messages to him. I was freaking out in the biggest sense of the word. I was acting out of sheer survival. And I wanted my husband back. But he was no where to be found. This other person who had taken his place, and been able to hurt me so deeply, over and over again, knowing he was destroying our marriage, I didn’t know who this was. I was living with a stranger.
If you find yourself in this place I want you to know there is help. And you are not insane – acting in uncharacteristic ways is common under severe stress and anxiety. The kind of stress and anxiety finding out you’re being lied to can cause. There are others out there who have gone through this. There are resources and websites that can help.
If you think you may be just at the start – I have resources that can help you find out who you are living with. Maybe good news maybe bad news… but what I have discovered in this line of work, unfortunately, is that your gut often is right. And you deserve to know the person you are with. You deserve to know the relationship you are in.
I hope, that it turns out there was nothing to worry about. However, if there is and you find out the worst, as I did, I am here for you in a very real and personal way.
Thank you for your patience as I finish my store and this site so that I can be of service to people who are ready to Take Back the Truth.
Yours in Truth,
Rowan